Solution?

Ah ha! I may have found the answer! I've always quite fancied going to Morocco. Now there's the small issue of persuading my brother to come with me. Was easy enough to get him to oome to KL.

Hammering

I have to be up stupidly early in the morning so why am I still not in bed? Is it even worth going to bed at this point? Aside from the fact I've been dancing my way through the housework, along with my iPod, my mind just doesn't shut up. I have this funny burning feeling in my chest region too. Very annoying.

I think on this night out thing on Saturday night I'm going to need to get completely hammered. So blindingly drunk I can't walk. Isn't that a good way of letting off steam? Certainly worth a try, I'd say.

I've also been wondering if maybe I might need to go away on a little break somewhere. My head is just fuzzy. My Christmas spirit that is always so very, very high at this time of year appears to be hiding somewhere. I'm stuck. At this point I'd always recommend hair of the dog to other people but hmm, I'm just not so sure that's right for me. Ah well, I'm sure the answer will come to me at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

Old Friends

A friend from my Sandhurst days came to see me yesterday. It was so lovely talking about old times and catching up on our lives now. It had been about three and a half years since I had last seen him. He's like a comfort blanket to me because I've known him for such a long time.

I'm not feeling so great today. I'm missing that blooming Man. I couldn't sleep last night either because he was all I could think about. I miss his presence and having him there to snuggle up to at night. I know what I need to do, I'm just having trouble doing it. I just want him. Grr, it's so annoying. I know I'll get there, it's just taking a little longer than I'd like.

EHTB is really pissing me off today too. He says he can't have the children on Saturday night, despite him knowing full well I have plans. Then he had the cheek to suggest that maybe Man was right and that I do still have feelings for him!! Are you kidding me????!! I told him to dream on. Why, on Earth, would I have any sort of lustful feelings about him? I don't miss him. I haven't at all. It's Man that consumes to whole entirety of my heart still, at least for the moment. Sometimes I have missed EHTB's role in my life but never him. I'm glad I'm not with him. He's just a self centered, egotistical, pain in the arse. The sooner we're divorced, the better.

Eye Balls

I think mine are hanging out. I really need to work on this sleep thing.

Alonely

I've been home for the total of fifteen minutes, all alone. Already I'm sick of it. Nope, it's not gonna work. I'm going to be needing to locate some company. I don't think spending every evening alone is really for me.

I've been working on this retail therapy thing today. It's good stuff. At least I'll have plenty of options for tonight now.

For The Children

I think Man is going back to CrazyWoman, "for the sake of the children". He told me he feels so torn between his love for me and his love the his children. He says he wishes he could have his cake and eat it (grr - he could have!!!). Anyway, I've told him to choose his children. What else could I say? He loves his children so very much and he thinks this is the right thing to do. I wish someone would bash him over the head and sit him down and explain to him how this might not be the best thing for his children. The thing is, she makes it so hard for him to see his children, it's no wonder his mind seems to be arse about face. They ought to have established a concrete routine so they all knew what to expect and when. I suspected her tactics would win through in the end. Why doesn't she want him to be happy? He told me today that he hates her and if he does go back then they'll have separate rooms. Why doesn't he want happiness for himself? Actually, maybe he was lying to me. That would make more sense.

Sadly, it's not my place to point out the obvious: children growing up in an emotionally barren environment with parents that aren't happy together is far more damaging and that having two parents that love them very much and are happy is a far more positive example. It seems the consensus would be inclined to agree.

I want my children to know what love is. I want them to grow up and seek out happiness and love for themselves. I don't want them to settle and then stay out of habit, that would break my heart.

Right, well, I'm going to get my stuff ready, I'm running late, as usual. Got the most stonking headache too. I think it's lack of sleep and eating and all those things people are supposed to do. All I can do, for now, is want.

Towels

Why, oh why, do I always get in the bath without remembering to bring a towel into the bathroom? Now I'm going to have to do a naked bolt to the airing cupboard.

Mind you, it's no wonder my mind is AWOL. I'll write about that later.

Just Weird

Man's crazy wife (maybe ex wife to be, not sure now - I shall herein refer to her as CrazyWoman) phoned my home phone earlier asking for him. As usual she was banging on, ten to the dozen, making very little sense. The conversation went a little like this:
CW: Is Man there?
Me: No
CW: Will he be back later?
Me: No, we're not together anymore
CW: Why not? Why have you broken up? Gone off his cock, have you?
Me: What?? To be honest, I thought he was with you
CW: No! Why the Hell would he be here??

Then she goes on some rant that made no sense, about facebook and Man's cock and vibrators and her children. What the fuck? Seriously, she's completely crazy. I put her on loud speaker so everyone could hear her, at that point, saying, "Listen to this crazy loon". Very shortly after that, she hung up.

I actually rather hoped he had gone back to her. Him going so suddenly, after declaring how much he loved me, would have made some semblance of sense to me then. It would be less personal and confusing. I know how much he loves his children and in the text message dumping incident he was talking about children needing two parents. He didn't seem the type to turn his love on and off. He really did seem to love me. Well, hey ho. Obviously I was alone in the love department there.

Oops, I digress. Anyway, my point is, I've just gone through my facebook account right back to July and, aside from the very many cutesy posts about adoring him, there is absolutely no mention of vibrators or Man's cock (which I suspected there wouldn't be, but you never know), unless you count a very guarded post about my missing the indians. This begs the question: what, on earth, was she harping on about this time? How would she even see my facebook account for that matter? She really is an absolute crazy loon. I shan't miss having to have any dealings with her ever again. Freak.

The Boredom Sets In

What does one do alone of an evening? I'm at a total loose end. I'm so bloody bored. I've done the washing up by hand, cleaned all the surfaces, the cooker, the table, had a little tidy up. I've phoned half the World and yapped at them. Now what? Think I might just have a bath and bugger off to bed. I'm usually such a night owl. I'm a bored night owl now though. There really is nothing more to do. Oh well, the sleep would probably do me good, I'm going to the gym at nine in the morning.

I've actually even started talking to myself. I'm going stir crazy. I've never been great with my own company. Looking forward to going away tomorrow night - save me!!!!

Amusing Oneself

I love shocking people. It's just so much fun. I might be a teensy bit evil. Actually, no. Not evil. Just mischievous.

Man Required (Sap Part III)

I was reading this post. It did make me chuckle. It made me wonder what my list would be. I think at the moment it would consist of;

1. Be the one that I want


2. Love me


3. Cuddle me


4. Put the metal strip thingy down in the dining area


5. Put the wooden edgey-thingy bit on the playhouse


6. Not tear my heart out and stamp on it from a very great height

For f's sake.

Five of my very lovely friends have been round today. They've brought me round freshly baked rolls and biscuits, home made soup, a cloth with silver in it (anti bacterial for up to sixty washes, don't you know) and given me lots of cuddles. I'm thankful.

Sap Part II

I miss hearing his voice. I miss looking at him. I miss him.

I'm trying, trying, trying to stay strong. I had the perfect opportunity to speak to him earlier. He's been sending these silly, completely wrong messages about him feeling used and that I still have strong feelings for EHTB, etc. He sent me a message this evening asking if he could call. I said, "It's probably best that you don't". Do you know what I wanted to say?

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YEEEEEEEES!!!!!!

Things That Bug Me

There's an eyelash in my left eye and it will not come out.

The sheets coming away from the bed in the corners. It means I have to do some sort of odd, leap-about-on-all-fours style dance thing in order to get the poxy sheets back where they belong.

A Call For Reinforcements (Sap Part I)

With regard to that post the other day about being thankful, I'm once again reminded why I'm thankful. I'm being collected on Thursday and taken away for the night for some much needed salvation, by a very lovely couple. A friend of mine is taking some time off work to come to Somerset to give me a kick up the bum and remind me who I really am. He's known me for a very, very long time.

I know what I have to do, I've researched it (ahem... Shhhh!).

Earlier this evening I truly thought my heart wasn't ever going to make it through this one. I could barely breathe for wanting him. I really, really wanted him to not be gone. I love him so very, very much. This song has been constantly in my head, I do wish it would stop now.

On a positive note I really can't stomach eating and, as always, the only thing that really makes me feel any better is going to the gym, so hopefully I'll look great after this heartbreak thing. And by fuck, does my heart hurt. It's an actual physical pain in my heart. I've never had that before. It's bloody awful. (Oops, that's wasn't really a positive then, huh).

A very clever man gave me some lovely advice this evening. He said, "Don't kid yourself. You are down right now, but you are still quite a catch. You're smart, funny, caring and very beautiful. You'll be fine. In the past, you've settled to easily because you're afraid no one will want you. When the time is right, you'll find someone great who will be very lucky to have you.".

Musical Mind

There's a song I just can't get out of my head tonight. It's by bloody Pink too.

Man's gone. I so badly don't want him to be gone. I really love him.

I found the harder I worked out at the gym tonight, the further I got from the tears. Until I got home. Bugger. Now they just won't stop. Am I turning into a sap? A girl? Argghhhhh!

Shrinking

"You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering." Henri-Frederic Amiel

Divorce Papers

Got them. Oooh. Merry Christmas.

Cock

Needing A Little Magic

I really do miss things being simple. It's not like I took it all for granted, I really didn't. I was thankful. I knew I was really lucky. At least, I thought I was. I do still consider myself to be very lucky. It isn't like I think my life has suddenly gone to pot, or anything. It's just not so secure. I think that's one of the things I miss.

I frequently think of a film I watched years ago. The Straight Story. The old man (travelling across America on a ride on lawnmower, as far as I can remember) makes a reference to the strength of family; Unlike a single twig, a cluster of sticks cannot be easily broken. Well, I sometimes feel like a single stick. I am looked after very well by Man but, at times, it really feels like I'm just borrowing him. There are others with a greater pull on him than I could ever have and whilst that is totally understandable, I'm just not sure I could live like that.

I so want to be excited about Christmas, but how? Can someone please remind me? I've lost my best friend of twenty years and I no longer have the husband part of my family unit.

I will get there though. I absolutely can manage.

The Theme

Yes, the theme for the night is just that I miss things.

Melancholy

Sometimes I feel like I'm running, as fast as I can, but getting nowhere.

I've been clearing out the house this week. It doesn't seem to be getting any less cluttered. In fact, if anything, it looks like there's more crap appearing. At least three whole car loads have gone yet there's still so much more to go. Ugh.

Man has been weird today. Sometimes having to guess what's going on in his head is tiring. I'm not used to it. With me, you never have to guess because it's always obvious and I'm incredibly open and perfectly happy to talk about what's going on in my head. It's just so hard. The struggle is getting to me this evening. Tears have even put in an appearence, shhhh.

Another thing is Christmas. It's not far away. As usual, my Christmas shopping is almost finished and I'm really looking forward to it. Totally full of Christmas cheer. Thing is, I really, really miss having someone to share it with. It's not the same. I feel my Christmas cheer may be leaving me shortly. It'll be stamped out eventually.

Oh, EHTB and my best friend of twenty years have fucked. Actually, The Anti-Weeble has totally stabbed my in the back in a very, very big way. I can't really understand it because EHTB couldn't stand the Anti-Weeble and got pissed ff anytime I included her in our family things. I can understand the revenge point of view for EHTB but her, what the fu@k? I've completely shared my life wit her and totally supported her for the last twenty years and she's done nothing but fu@k me over at every opportunity. I've always forgiven her before but it's so very different this time. It's just too much. Apparently, they were sat around the following morning discussing how to get my children from me. She's their Godmother, they were always so imporatant to her but once again someone gambles with us and loses. What is wrong with people???

It's Been A While

My Ex-Husband-To-Be read my blog and it really put me off of writing for a while. He seems to have stopped now. I hate having to censor my writing.

Things are still going strong between Man and I. He's making me happy and feel very, very loved.

EHTB (Ex-Husband-To-Be) is now shagging Lissy's teacher. That's really just not awkward enough when it comes to school dropping off and collecting time. He's also told me that he's going to starting paying maintenance soon and has said he thinks he ought to pay £19 per week for them both. Who the Hell is he kidding???????????!!!! He's lived here, he knows how much they really cost and that's not even a tiny fraction of it. Once again, it pisses me off. He fucks it up and the children lose. I get the impression he's becoming much less interested in them, of late. I guess it's the whole new girlfriend thing. I guess this is just who he is. He never fails to disappoint me.

Outta Here!

I've got three new houses to look at, well away from the minds of Somerset. I want out and to be well away from here.

It will be all good. A fresh start will be just lovely for the children and I.

Yet More

I really ought to have just been a nun. I was going to say a nun or a lesbian but carpet munching could never be for me.

I'm so sick of all this shit. It's totally unfair that I lose my friends and am painted as the arsehole because I've found happiness with someone so soon after scumbag.